loneliness is not my fate

my heart was smashed and the pieces strewn about.
i wandered aimless trying to pick up the mess,
broken, i was blind and sickened to the core.

while searching for my sanity, i met a man
who sensed my purity and felt my emptiness.
he planted a seed that i never watered,
a gracious remedy i heartily ignored.
i stood forsaken, scorned and stubborn,
lonely, holding the pieces of my heart.

almost two years of months have passed since
and solemnness has ruled heavy over my life,
creating the passion to live without pain.
a terrible desire that has left me disconnected
and so i remain lost, wandering around in circles.

leaves are falling and i met the man again
i told of him of his dead seed and my carelessness...
he felt the chill of my heart's perpetual winter.
and pressed his healing palm into my chest,
his fingertips churned the earth surrounding
the dormant seed he had planted years ago.

while looking into his eyes for the first time,
clarity overwhelmed me and my thoughts went dizzy
fortunately his hands are still here to steady me
...but this time i'm not foolish enough to let go.

four words left unspoken

my insides are dying
electricity has faded
i can't find a spark
the voices sound empty
i am lost in the dark

simply hold me tight,
you don't have to speak
i am begging you please

i am losing myself
love come back to me

begging for reason with rhyme

feeling broken and empty, longing to be filled.
defeated and locked up with unrelenting fears,
this solemn heart now weeded and carelessly tilled.
a broken soul remains parched from endless tears.

oceans of wonder, truth, love and life to give,
a sponge purged, squeezed and thirsting for hydration.
now thrown back into the sea of fish forced to sieve,
reaching for a heart that can deliver me from damnation.

october

fading sun, glittering frost

heightened feverish colors

fiery reds, brilliant yellows

climbing limbs for apple pie

carving holes, baking seeds

illuminated heads on stoops

playoffs and football sundays

candy and costumed laughter

parading through the city

sweaters, scarfs, pumpkin beer

crackling dry leaves that chatter

crisp autumn air that romances

heartbreak

gash, wide open,
i bleed in your absence.
your presence churns,
my stomach erupts.
our lost love
whips me like slaves,
crying for freedom
from undue shackles.
my heart labors with
memories of you,
still haunting me
like a ghost.

-2008

cold, dark night

spinning out of control causing destruction
defenses tangle thoughts, a web of confusion
palms certainly read this faulty seduction.
unfortunate hearts forced into silent seclusion

city limits have locked memories out of touch.
naked, lost in a moment of the wildest passion.
patient flesh craves your fingertips too much
loveless abuse has always been my fashion.

like this dark, cold night I will continue falling
tripped up by your promise under shooting stars,
delusions of your heartache now silently calling.
sour hopes, scraped knees, bruises and scars.

there has been no truth found in simple wishes.
small bones still aching with burning hot desire.
longing to feel the warmth of fabled fairytale kisses.
sweet flesh now burned and left, ashes in a cold fire.

our truth: we will never know

Old saline rivers of lost love have been damned.
Confusion still arrested in time………….
……….................………….…..but I'll take my bow.
Curtain will always fall on a frequency jammed.

Picking apart the stitches that held us together,
…consistent silence, permanent silence…
……………..deafening silence………….
I'll just let them unravel into whatever….

Choke on your unsaid words…..
Lord knows they devoured me.

-2008

murder my heart

there are still nights

my heart is tortured by you

tears accompany nightmares

i reach for you

grasping only thin air

unspoken words?

suppressed feelings?

uncompromising desire

...left unfulfilled

remembering you and i

our love, our laughter

wishing the song could be

...remixed...

did i leave a mark on your heart?

your silence brutalized mine

-2008

spring's renewal

patient time has arrived
and healing hasn't finished
new skin covering
my brutal scar
...soft...
...new...
sensitive
when you touch it
it tingles...
i can't decipher the difference between...
....new sensations and old pain

my insides are peeling

sunburnt soul molting

failed remedy

they're the tar in my lungs

the liquor in my liver

the pot stifling my brain

a concoction to numb

...with no relief.

two becomes three

...it is never enough.

clean me

my head, a pool before spring cleaning.

floating gunk and old leaves,

prevent water from gleaming.

stuck in perpetual doubt.

with thoughts i can't fully think

and words i can't wr(sp)it-e out.

nights start with a smoke and a drink,

to empty what labors my breath

and halts my scrawling ink.

temptress rhyme

i'm in the mood

for a heated seduction

to ease my mind

and relieve the tension

i'm in the mood

for a midnight fire

burning with passion

fueled with desire

i'm in the mood

for a morning sunrise

waking in your arms

heat between my thighs

i'm in the mood

for a taste of seclusion

to be with you

free from confusion

i'm in the mood

for a private rendezvous

giggling under covers

just me and you

feeling/writing like a 4th grader

nervous. anxious. excited.

mind lost in thought

stomach tied in knots

when i look into his eyes, i am lost

his hand slips into mind, i am found

i have a little crush

he smiles, i blush

Dear Future Children,

I continue to hope and pray to the heavens, I beg them for their mercy. If I am blessed with you, I would die a hundred deaths to save you...pray to a thousand Gods, asking them to spare you from this crippling fear. If you grow and the fear begins to hold you, becomes your gravity, I promise to always hold your hand through the panic. I would never leave you to navigate alone...I know all too well, the consequences of the darkness and the vise grip hold of loneliness. I would do anything, even sell my soul, to prevent you from living and feeling the same as me.

i am asphalt

my skin crawls...withdrawal pains

itching. shivering. kicking.

agitation...void of emotion.

i feel, i am drying up inside out.

close to evaporation, thin air.

my knees are still bleeding,

long i prayed to be saved.

i've been stolen and strapped

in the saddle of soggy nights.

riding blind through the fog

the gray has overcome me.

to escape misery recruiters

thoughts steal away hours

envisioning a different life

in a place complete

a place unlike here

where you will find

no cold hearts

no cold hands

no vacant memories

a place where you feel alive

a place where reality

isn't walking amongst the dead

while their disease engulfs you

through time

lost the ability to feel you

hear your sound, taste you

rope burn without

the feeling of being tied

a nostalgic thought

a memory with weakening life

an old conversation

in a lost language

an ancient story

turning my heart to stone

and my love to dust

like a convict

i want to slap you...

my foolish thoughts

are tangled around

this impulsive and

mildly violent action

believing it could

somehow change

everything...

an ironic catalyst

for shaping a positive

and fresh perspective

love emulates

the appearance of

our summer's sun...

never showing for more

than a few days at a time

and if clouds were loneliness

...it's been a cloudy summer

rain, thunder, very little lightening

absolutely no pattern...

no regularity can be found

our unpredictable sunshine

seems preoccupied with

burning california down

and drying up texas

all i can give

i am here to be with you

in the silence of the day

breathe your same air

and let the moment last

as long as it may

i am here for you

to listen to your stories

turn them into memories

like a plough turning the earth

i am giving

not my voice

but my presence

no preservatives added

i find myself lost in thought over you

...waking up in your arms

putting all the jokes

the nerves on the shelf

to really see you

to really look into your eyes

from sun up to sun down

helplessly i am bound

by thoughts of you

you are a weightless gravity

i wish to cultivate us

until our season ends

to work our bodies

quench our desires

to produce delicious memories

...even if it all has an expiration date

different four letter word

always a flurry of love in the summer

less clothing and my freshly shaven,

constantly exposed skin...beckoning

...my heart to beat...

...or rather, my legs to open.

the softness of my skin

enticing others to touch

as if their fingers could

unlock my mystery

before you know it

our skin meshes and

we tumble into

short-lived ecstasy...

...one i always cut short

the fire of passion

creates a simultaneous

feeling of fear

as soon as the feeling

stops, the instant hands

depart my skin

i am overwhelmed

i am exposed

talking lamps

they were discussing the possession of his gun

...not the one he shot himself with,

but another, one that he spent hours with

in the woods, hunting in autumn

with my father, brother and his son.

now seven years later, the gun is trivial.

brother holds it sacred, sleeps with it.

while gathered in a living room,

dry, red, tired eyes chewing tongues,

deciding the fate of this sacred gun.

emotions rise out of frustration.

brother 'should keep it, it is cherished!'

...the light flickers

so and so 'can't have it! not now!'

'we can't just take it away from him!'

...the light goes out

women scream out of shock.

...the light turns back on

minutes pass, the shock dissipates,

conversation commences again.

solid decisions start to roll.

words begin to please the lamp,

...it starts dim and brightens.

'it should stay with' brother...

...it brightens more still.

'he loves and cherishes it'

...the bulb now glowing fire!

an awkward amount of light,

too much for the 40 watts.

'ok!' women exclaim,

brother 'keeps it!'

'Tommy wants it that way

...the lamp told us'.

Doctor...did you say "oops"?

putrid emotional burp

bile rising to the surface

saline chasing its gravity

sweat dampens my clothes

arms pat rounded shoulders,

wrap around my fleshy bones

squeeze tight and my rib aches

blurs of red eyes dabbing

white tissues leaving dust

black lines streaking faces

handshakes and apologies

introductions and memories

cold in life, cold with death

prayers, sermons...verses

"if He were home, He wouldn't

have let a thief in...to steal her

away"

...if the doctor actually listened

we wouldn't be in a funeral home today

venting

working nights

need to sleep in!

constant banging

construction and

home remodeling

has finally driven me

over the edge

insomnia helped push

trying to slumber

dream life away

birds awake with happy

loud songs

sun rising too fast

banging starts at first light

jolting me awake

jamming up my dreams

the rhythm of

that fucking hammer

is going to be the same

as the one i will sing to

when i pull that tool

from your hand and

bash in your face

nightly ritual

rhythm of my feet

wobbling to walk

intoxicated and alone

heading away from town

leaving behind

empty advances

and lost chances

two under the full moon

two love lorn writers drinking beers

cheap beer, the cheapest from the tap

laced with tabasco sauce and lemon

two broken sets of eyes telling stories

asking questions without lips moving

a connection or at least the notion of one

two bodies side by side at the bar

the warmth of presence so satisfying

longing for one another in silence

fingertips flirting with skin

while sound is spoken dripping with

simultaneous words of warning

to stray far away...

...from their poisonous hearts.

what now?

new used to be exciting

the promise of something 

different was tantalizing

but my thoughts aged

new...

exciting...

promise of 

something different...

now those only conjure fear

when did exploration change

from excitement to intense dread?

will exploration ever return

with reckless abandon for the outcome?

why is the outcome more important

than the journey?

it should be the time spent

traveling each road that

should command the importance...

deliver life's thrilling excitment...

but fear...

is always around the corner

waiting

waiting

preventing me from

never ever doing...

dreamingsavesme

as each day passes shrouded in mystery
thoughts decay within a labyrinth of time 
longing for solutions to unending entropy
silence inner dialogue with glasses of wine 

smiles laced with a zombie disposition
lacking all desire for sensual pleasures
desperate for the removal of inhibition
wishing to expose all buried treasures

morning rescues the sun from dark retreat
deep breath and covers lift with anticipation
hopeful thoughts motivate my clumsy feet
nocturnal dreams aide this souls restoration

spring never sprung

escape, watch me hide

my heart, barren as ocean sands

depths of winter cooled ambition

reinventing self, countless attempts

self immersed, self contained

recluse out of control?

...in a cave

quiet-serene-safe

only ghosts call

phone never rings

new life has not found breath

so uncomplicated

this unsolvable puzzle

pieces strewn about

my lonely bed... 

July 3rd 1997...my first kiss

the smell of beer breath made vomit rise in my throat 

"its okay, its okay" i remember him slurring into my ear

on the other side of the door my school friends

smiling carefree, celebrating our senior year

i wasn't drunk, but i couldn't remember 

...how did i end up in her bed?

his hand roaming my body, i could smell his evil

silence gripped me. fear introduced itself in proper fashion.

i was wearing one of those bras with the clasp in the front

how could i have made it so easy? i accuse myself.

i remember the heavy feel of my jeans bunched up around my ankles

my skinny frog legs hanging off the end of her bed, lifeless

my shirt cut into the back of my neck and sliced my armpits

i don't remember what shirt i was wearing

i do remember how easily he lifted the front of it

how easily it stretched over the back of my head

his fingertips were bold explorers on new territory

clumsily and hastily gobbling up the unspoiled riches

i can still feel the slime from his sweaty face against my cheek

they way he forced his tongue into my mouth 

his fingers poking holes in my virginity

of course i tried to leave

tried to scream

my voice was lost in my throat

my body was limp and rubber

looking down from above, as if i was hanging from the ceiling

spiderwomen staring down at the criminal 

waiting for the right moment to save the virgin

...that moment never came...

but someone did, they turned the knob

her bedroom door opened, he spooked him

he left me there naked and exposed

i pulled my shirt back down and pulled my pants up

curling up into a ball

i felt guilty

somehow i had asked for this

somehow i deserved this

i couldn't go back to her party

i ordered pizza once and requested that he deliver it

he pulled into my driveway in the little red pizza car

i watched him grab the bag and walk towards the door

a chill came over me, i was watching him secretly

i shivered when his finger reached out to push the doorbell

he didn't know it was my house...he didn't even know me

i swung open the door with a smile and pelted him with $4.75 in pennies

my outburst made me feel human as i slammed the door

my 'hot and fast' pizza in hand

proof that some things never change

Dissecting my raging thoughts.....
Painfully separating memory from fantasy.
The line between them blurs.

Legs tangled in soggy shuffled sheets.
Delicate whispers....Nerves Quiver.
Remembering peaceful slumbers.

Yelling...Screaming...Fighting...Crying

Eyes red with my heart's despair.
Wiping away tears, cheeks and face raw.
My heart just won't beat for another.
Jaded...Vexed....A heavy slug to my jaw.

No lost love locks me away.....
Renders me helpless.

Fault is that all of my own.....
the fact that I'm alone.

keep reading?

Stuck in between the lines of my own story
A dedicated reader has lost interest in what's next.

.....Skipping ahead skimming the pages looking for better times?
Maybe the recent plot twist and shift in characters was too much for the reader.
This twist, unexpected, yet familiar. 
A new character lurks in dark corners only to be discovered when the light is just right.

Patience is a requirement now, for the light takes a while to brighten enough to see.

WANTED:  MUSE.  Must be imaginative and willing to assist in rejunvenating and saving a soul so they may rise above the emptiness and continue their story.

Can one tell a story if no one is listening? And if no one is listning is a story still a story?.......or just a sequence of lost thoughts?  

I live on writer's block and no one can concentrate here.  

Too many distractions....Loud noises and silence

anonymous

splintered and scarred
healed and rejuvenated
untouched and undiscovered
like ruins of an ocean city
anonymous to most
a single flame flickering
in the harsh wind
...just trying to stay lit

unlike them...different
not aspiring to fill status quo
outsides blend like a chameleon
insides rare and unexplored
just waiting to be lifted, woken up
to feel butterflies take flight
...like autumn birds

save me from this captive silence
release my self bound shackles
unlock the doors to my prison

porte rouge

sunday evenings spent silently
entranced in shamanistic ritual
connecting me beyond this depth
mediating deepest spirits of soul
perpetuating a small sacred space
bearing all to blank empty pages
fragmented pieces, naked thoughts
scrawled out upon enticing lines
inking emotions; 
brown sacred tablet
four apostles preaching 
inner spirits venerated 
prayer in music theory
rhythm remains my deity

sleepless on the seacoast

my bed is small but vast

i lay here alone under stars

the heavens rise above me

no sleep...i ponder my scars

the bed...hard, the pillow...flat

i twist the covers, toss and turn

my soul has cuts i just can't heal

lying in cold sweat, my body burns

flashes of memories...

fingers tracing my bellybutton

my back arches, i gasp for air

giggles burst as lips kiss my neck

tangled fingers, a firm tug on hair

sandman does not deliver me sleep

staring at green numbers telling time

oh, bless me with sweet dreams please!

induce deep slumber to save my mind

2 a.m. departure

every time i lay next to another

lights off, room dark

hands roaming one another

i twitch

i shiver

when will i feel safe, comfortable...

know that i can close my eyes 

drift into dreams 

and not awake to mornings

draped in nightmares

i always leave...

middle of the night

return to my lonely sheets

i fear the sunrise will expose me

vague thievery

tired of these written words

bored of their silent expression

craving real passion, spoken word

touch i can feel on my aching skin

instead of that inked out in pen

i have been kidnapped

the real me is locked away

a different me roams this earth

inside i am screaming...

at those with no tolerance

at those who create disaster

at those who suck me dry

only to disappear...

...when i need replenishing 

chunks keep rising

aimless

a heatseeker

finding only cold

wandering

rain soaked

searching for?

waiting for?

i am the living dead

loveless nights

my only friends

empty and gagging 

some writing murders

so much in common

blind evil eye

messiah return

signaling our end

from shrouds that cover

beautiful faces

to those that 

adorn coffins

you take all those with belief

blind in their love for you

arguing over technicalities

a difference in blood 

so thick the line drawn

over which, only bombs fly

humans use tanks as shields 

like blinders on a horse

narrowing their world view

holding hostage those who

love you

tolerance is a word

with a forgotten meaning...

ethereal universe

no theory will ever be grand enough

to describe your phenomenal existence

great scientists and theologians 

have attempted the great task

of discovering you...

shrouded in mystery

soil against our feet

so profound it deserves explanation

overwhelming,  breathtaking

captivating and forever unexplained

some retreat within your solace

while others stake a violent claim

treasured prophets 

trotted paths, gathered beliefs

hidden secrets deep within

never to be discovered

tick tock

scared and alone

time is my nemesis

don't suppose i'll ever

get the hang of this

a warm tear gently slips

down my burning cheek

life, profound and absurd.

 an explanation without words

emptiness is now the blood

coursing through my veins

a red hot fire with no flame

annuals die...perennials hide

soft pads of my fingertips tracing the muscles of your back

my palms wish to melt away your pain with their warmth

remind you of the glorious sunshine

relish in the power of chemistry

hoping intensity will rejuvenate 

us, the cynics and non believers

many flowers have blossomed for you

but forever your seed drifts

hovering through the whipping winds

only for your seed to fall 

once again...against the same earth

different place...

...same dirt

this annual shall fade like the rest

this seed has planted his heart 

...on different soil

he just ventured out to see 

...if the grass was greener

open up wide

warm up, speak up

wear your thoughts

share them, let them

cloak you like a blanket

a quilt patched together

telling a simple story

each thread a conversation

woven into your being

press room muse

brown welcome mat

no welcome message

soggy with melted snow

crusty white with salt

a wooden room of jazz

strangers in corners

dimly lit smiles

each time the door opens

the air freezes my flesh

a momentary reminder

i am still breathing

indifference

dizzy voices like thunder

silent but strong

rolling in waves of excitement

here i sit in the corner

alone in a room 

full of groups

a beer and a lemon

some friends

i am happy to ignore

5-26-09