leaving high st.

...it doesn't always matter if you're caring and giving (to a fault)...there will always be those that won't recognize your gifts or kindness... or they will only take from you, never give back...what i am learning is that it is more important to be true to yourself and what you believe in...even if isolation is the result...

disenchanted. disillusioned. displeased. displaced.

my face deserves to be kissed true
i don't want to feel
thought love was something we knew

they all drink away their lives
i fall in love with them
unable to decipher truth from lies

having learned this, i feel stupid
there are cages in bars
not cheering glasses held by cupid

a confusing, wobbly, dark place
my heart will die within
i need love, light and open space

two week notice

what will i do with myself when it all ends?
essays that no longer need to be written,
no more deadlines to keep me motivated,
no theories left to dissect and analyze.
i'm approaching a very crumbly cliff.

what is next? where to go? with whom?
i could become bored, uninspired, lost.
will education leave me feeling void?
who will i be, without a weekly grade?

i feel invisible now...
what happens when i actually am?

perhaps i will move out of this town,
move into the country -leave the noise.
dissolve the negative surrounding me...
bury it in the ground and watch it grow.
i will plant a rainbow of fragrant flowers
lay beneath the sun and let it warm my skin.
but, will i be lying there with emptiness?

i know i will be alone, but will i feel it?
he doesn't love himself enough to love me
i can't be filling time with his company
maybe, he does not really want us to be.

there is a patch of grass beneath the sun
where i will be laying with my thoughts
my love will return - but will my life?

riptide

we are supposed to be helping one another survive in this fucked up world. there are forests full of wolves with claws that swipe and bright teeth that snarl. it is up to us to hold onto one another, only we can hold up the shield to protect our love. but this fucking life..i wish we could build our own private world where we would be happy and forget about the seaside town that keeps trying to wash us away.

confusion

you leave me with no ground under my feet
broken souls, trampled hearts, buried history
oncoming disaster from our very first kiss
i've been trying to love you, trying to be there
i simply wish you could open up your heart to me
give me your hidden love so that i may repair it
you are flipping on me like a faulty light switch
on
off
on
off
i'm spending too much time in the dark
desperate to feel your warmth again
maybe i met a different version of you before
and now maybe i've fallen into a pit of snakes

i say goodbye, life says hello

i think that i'll resurrect myself from death today as well...accountable for another's sins...my face deserves to feel sun again too!

wind blows

pollen invisibly suspended in the atmosphere,
atom, traveling unnoticed on a passing breeze;
floating on the wind until it delivers me home.
i could've let the honey bees carry me along
flower to flower while gathering sweet nectar,
where i'd lay basking in the sun on the petals.
i'd heard stories about love from the old bees.
i knew if i gave myself up to the whims of air,
there'd be a chance i would feel love's beauty.
only moments after the wind swept me up, i knew
i wouldn't be on petals, i was headed for you.
away from the flowers who needed me for life,
heading straight towards a sentence of death.
the itchy nose who abhors my very existence.
one who will curse me and try to blow me away.
tissue after tissue tossed away with disgust.
i am not wanted here; i should be with the buds.
i should have let the bees take me with them again,
but i wanted float free and let the wind take me.
wanted to explore new places and wondrous feelings.
instead, carried somewhere i'll never be appreciated.
and now i wait, for that last blow that'll do me in.
one that'll put me in a tissue and then a wastebasket.
who knows, perhaps i'll make friends at the landfill.

lie like a Dodd

morality and honesty are not their goal,
criminal liar, cheat and now a landlord?
a wife and children who share his name,
forced to wear his lies like a badge.
but, apparently she doesn't feel shame,
she antes up to plays what he's dealt.
now, together they steal, lie and cheat.

sad, dying love prompted our introduction.
quickly i was caught in the web of deceit.
while in their clutches they stole from me,
they successfully emptied a chunk of my wallet
and more important, silenced my convictions.
the universe and its damn mysterious ways,
overwhelming the good and rewarding the evil.

silent noise destroys

i lost you out there in this world of noise,
our love, our silence...deafening and cheap.
cold nights i lay alone and wish to feel warm.
i wake with the sun...nightmares in a bed of one.

all the words floating around me, yet i have no voice.
thoughts comprising a trivial tug of war; pride winning.
coil a rope around my heart and any thought of optimism,
while it's anchored in merciless, murderous quicksand.

promises have become our new currency, some were wasted.
just a stupid girl dreaming of one lasting second chance.
your heart, a home for my heart to live in for eternity,
is now a mirage on my horizon i'm barely able to believe in.

waited until the sun downed and the stars rose for an echo.
the sound of your heart, a glorious beat my ears feared lost.
days passed and i didn't hear the return of its sacred rhythm.
i packed up my heart and soul 'cause i was too easy to let go.

it may have taken too long...

the snow on my apartment doorstep
sparkles with imprints from your boots.
i can still hear words falling from lips,
feel your wool coat against my skin,
smell your morning hair and winter.
now your heart truly feels its loss?
feeling empty, you're moved to action?
confused and lost in your word labyrinth.
your gone now and i taste bile and salt.
trembling with decisions i cannot make.
struggling with a cold, stubborn heart
muscle made weak by love turned to stone.
are you able to build anew from stone dust?
what about leftover painful memories?
exactly how do you move forward with a scar?
you promised to always love me and keep me safe
only keeping one of those promises doesn't work.

lilliputian

i let him make me feel:
too responsible.
too strong.
too weak.
too slow.
too regimented.
too driven.
too emotional...

...FUCK I AM ALIVE!

of course i am all these things!

i am a slow moving, old fashioned,
traditional female that is living
in a hyper-speed, overkill world.
i am a nervous little frame of a girl
trying to navigate alongside HUGE things...